Traditions and passages

The Christmas holiday season has always been a stressful one for me, for as long as I can remember.

My mother had the misfortune of being born on Christmas Eve, and she never let a one go by without letting us know how miserable she was about it too. She always had a rather pissy attitude about her birthday, although we all (us kids) went to a lot of effort to make sure that her birthday presents were special and wrapped appropriately in pretty birthday paper with beautiful cards. No matter what, she was never genuinely happy over the holiday and this set the stage for the rest of us to be miserable too-never mind the excitement of childhood. As it became a long standing tradition of my own to get my father one pair of bright red wool socks, one quart of malted milk balls, and one Old Spice soap, so too the tradition of feeling that no matter what I did, I could not please my mother. Both have passed away, my father in 87 and my mother in 98, but the tradition of stress and unhappiness lives on in all of their children, to some degree.

This year, I find my younger sister beyond stressed. She has a house overflowing with emotionally needy and manipulative adult children (and their assorted kids too), a demanding job, and the "let's all be miserable" legacy lingering on that our mother left. It has poisoned all of us, and in my sisters' case has caused her to try to do too much: buy too many presents, do too many things, be too many places, and try to please everyone while she does it. Its a recipe for holiday failure and I don't know that she will ever be able to get beyond it. Now, my sister is a happy person in general-always ready with a smile, a quip, and a laugh. She's very helpful and generous, it's just her nature to be upbeat and supportive, no matter the situation. So when ghosts of Christmas' past rise eerily in the background, she's too busy doing things to see that it infects her own state of mind. Because our own mother was never happy no matter what we did, it is easy to fall into the trap of more and more to compensate.

I should know, I did the same thing myself, for years, lol Now, I buy gifts for those I feel I need to, not "because" someone else thinks I should. If I am tight that year, I don't worry about not having a trinket wrapped under the tree nor a gift card for each person that walks through the door. Most of my friends know its just not my style to go overboard, too. Sometimes, I have the intention, but never find the time or have the extra cash on hand when I run across something I think a person would really enjoy. I would be just as pleased to hand out goodies from the many jars of this and that from my cupboard instead, actually.

I have many more friends online than I do locally. Somehow, it's easier to connect through the computor as opposed to real life which keeps me tied to this office full time. While they may be "cyber friends" the ties are real, and thus, when I hear that Connie D. has been moved into a nursing home due to the progression of her brain cancer, it concerns me. I know Connie will not be with us much longer, and that she is at the end stage of her life now. A published author, and great advocate for children and horses, her inability to interact with her online "family" has affected us all. We are all saddened by what it is to come, yet feel fortunate to have "known" her.

Today, I learned that another online friend passed away. Younger than me, Vicki G. had suffered numerous health issues for years. Yet, she was known as much for her love of all things angels, as she was for her work with rescuing horses and the Appaloosa Club of Ohio. I sat and had a good long bawl when I read the news. We are all shell shocked and sad, and we can't believe our own angel has left us. I remember calling Vicki when she was in the hospital a few years back, sweating out a heart ailment. Her voice was light and sweet and she was just as nice in person as she was online.

If you haven't figured it out, the purpose of this entry is to remind us all, that the true legacy we leave behind is the mark we leave on others' lives-for good or bad. You can either spread unhappiness, or rise above it-and the choice is yours.


For me, I resolve to rise above :)